Ending a long term relationship at New Year’s seemed like the thing to do.

I was looking for spontaneous, I was looking for excitement… What I ended up doing was a spontaneous ejection of a relationship in my life. He hit the door flying before he knew what hit him.  I think it’s suppose to hurt when you say goodbye to someone in your life for the past 10 years. I am pretty sure it’s not suppose to be a choice of …hmmm do I wear my hair up or down, no wait how about kicking ole what’s his name to the curb. Yeah that’s the ticket.

Whatever revolutionary planet is circling my world, certainly didn’t give me a heads up to “hey I think you are going to get rid of ole what’s his name today”… Ghostrider the pattern is full, oh no it’s not, buzzzzz went the kick to the curb.

I think I miss him, or I think I miss the telephone call I am suppose to make to say so how did the weekend end up for you, because I would have known if I hadn’t ruined his complete weekend with not planning something for him because after 10 years, I was given the opportunity to plan something for US for New Years Eve.

Just make sure it included golf, because that is his new found love. I have hesitated playing golf with him because (1) my brother is a golf pro and I am pretty sure I can kick his ass ( I can play pretty good), my brother did teach me something growing up.  (2) I find his new found passion irksome because he is trying to be like HIS brother, and I don’t do well with followers, and (3) he whines when he loses and I revert back to (1). I would most likely kick his ass. I am pretty athletic for a girl that doesn’t try.

But that can’t be the reason I ended a relationship, I mean really over golf? I am pretty independent and I have just drifted in this relationship, moved mountains to make it happen, and I decided no more moving mountains and no more taking his disrespect of treating me as an option and not a priority.  He couldn’t answer my email of our plans because he was gone, and he couldn’t call me on Christmas while he was at his brothers because he lost his cell phone. Guess I didn’t matter too much.

So welcome 2012 I’m a party of one and I think I made the right choice.

Happy New Year 2012 so many questions…

What will it bring? I sit with anticipation wondering what can the new year bring that the old one didn’t.  One thing I hope for is health. I have a slight illness I would like to go away.

What will happen to my friends who are under so much pressure? Will there be a resolution, minus tremendous pain?

Can I move to a far away place and start over and never look back? I want to live in a small town city known for it’s closeness and caring. I know I have been watching way too many Lifetime movies, but truly, that’s where I want to be…

Finally, peace on earth and a balanced budget so that our world as we know it doesn’t crumble in two.

Someone please answer this for me…

There is a reason I do not have kids…

When I was younger, I was afraid of needles and exclaimed early on I would never have kids because of needles, blood and you know… going to a hospital. As I grew older, I still didn’t like needles, blood or going to a hospital, however, things changed. I had a great boutique doctor that would have done anything in the world to make sure I had an easy delivery, however, I didn’t get pregnant.

Fast forward to adoption, and while that seems like an easy task, it was far from easy. I was swindled, belittled, brokenhearted and frustrated. Beyond that, I didn’t really like this world we lived in and I was not sure about putting a child through this… Plus I had nephews and that would be enough. Ahh but it wasn’t.

I tried the ole adoption route again and frustrated and on and on and on… I think I care to much about other people to put my desire for a child in place.  I think I would make a good parent, I would be fair, loving and unconditionally there for any child.  2013 Will be my year, that will let me get my life back on track and move forward… maybe then I can have a child, instead of taking care of everyone elses…

Christmas is coming and I feel icky…

I am pretty sure my icky-ness is from my worrying about my friends and family. Change is on the horizon and I am not sure how it will all shake out… Then there’s my buddy who is struggling with her heart and her head.  I worry for her and her kids that she will have to make a decision before she is ready.

The weather is also a factor, it’s December people, why isn’t there a cold day in my future. Christmas shopping for family was really hard, it was hot as blazes and the sun shone way too brightly… I want snow clouds, I want cold weather, heck I want I want I want… Yes I am this many (4).

This is my little space of peace and I hope  you don’t mind, it gives me an outlet to just let it all out… My next topic will be why I think I haven’t had kids up until now!

When it’s not your business…

My favorite internet blogger is still struggling and many have posted how she should do this or that… However, I wonder very loudly “when it’s not your business” …

Favorite blogger has some ups and downs, and the other side of the fence is scary as hell. She might want to roller-coaster to the other side again for familiarity and many disagree. I don’t. I agree. Because “it’s not my business”… I truly admire and adore my blogger buddy Sandi and I know the road she is walking is often harder than she lets on. We all have a comfortable  landing zone, she doesn’t. She has a history with her man that we cannot explain. Truthfully I wonder if some of the readers were jealous of her tight as a pickle jar relationship with Mr. Sandi, that they take aim at him to distract her.

She is raw of emotion and passion and he fills her love tank so to speak… if she gives him another chance it’s HER business, we still love her, or at least the ones that always have loved her will love her forever. Regardless of her roller-coaster life.

I write this here because I will be flamed, and I do not deserve to be flamed, Sandi is a gem no one can identify with, because she is the most selfless person I virtually know.

So here’s my stamp of approval and I will be here through the good bad and ugly… I think that’s part of life and you are my hero!

I cannot question why, only sigh and say we’ll see what happens..

Turning a new number really didn’t have an impact on me this year. For one, I thought I was already 47 so that new number didn’t bother me. What I haven’t been prepared for is the punctuation at the end of each sentence (dream/plan).

1. No getting pregnant for me. PERIOD. Although I still get my PERIOD.
2. The surrogacy is still in limbo. PERIOD. Limbo. Not sure I can swing upwards of 100k to have a baby that may or may not be like me. PERIOD.
3. Adoption is more difficult than before and for that, I’m finished. PERIOD.
4. Ending relationships that have outgrown themselves. PERIOD. I am finished. PERIOD. I cannot be everything to everyone else and NOTHING to me. PERIOD.
5. I hurt inside for a person I like to call friend, even though we only “know” each other via the net. She and her family are going through the roughest pain of all. PERIOD.
6. I worry about re-entering the job market because I am told over and over again, I am way over-qualified. I want a JOB. PERIOD. Not another career. PERIOD.
7. I hurt from the top of head to the heals of my feet. I miss my Mom. PERIOD.

Thanks for letting me get this out of my system. Even if no-one reads this, I read it and remember vividly what this has been like going through it all. PERIOD.

 

This should say ajerseygirl47…yup add another year.

I aged while I was gone. This has been a very emotional roller coaster of a month in a half.

One of my favorite bloggers moved with her large family and had to start over, I moved again and feel like I have to start over and my move isn’t finished. I will be relocating again very soon.

Fall has always been my favorite time of year. Partly because my birthday is in the latter part of October and the other part is I love the fall leaves and the crisp air. In all actuality I really like the cold weather, but no one else in my life does.

I am trying to figure out how to start a foundation of sorts to help struggling families that do not have the means to live day to day. This year I am cutting ties with my standard charities and attempting to find my own way of donating to families that need it.

Any suggestions anyone out there has, would be greatly appreciated.

Not sure if I am happy or sad. So that can’t be good.

My friend online is suffering and I am trying my best to help, but paypal isn’t cooperating. The sad part is I can’t send money right now because my account was messed up with my address change, and I am jumping through hoops with a customer service person named Denise, who doesn’t speak a speck of English.

My happiness although comes in a wave of relief that my concussion that I suffered last Saturday while trying to buy my mid-life crisis car, seems to be healing. The car, not so much… It’s calling my name and wants me badly.

I am hoping for the bump on the head discount. Off to sit on hold with “Denise” for some resolution!

Fall is upon us but I still have my flipflops on?

Fall is my most favorite time of the year. Cool crisp days with the beautiful leaves changing colors. Nighttime coming sooner and the smell of wood burning really makes me smile. I love to plan nice family dinners enjoying the night air.

But But But… It’s 94 degrees in the shade and I still have my flip-flops on. When will this weather break? Kids are finally back to school, and the school buses seem to have a route that doesn’t interject with my busy life of driving here there and everywhere.

I am longing for the long sleeve shirts and my awesome fall boots to wear to the pumpkin patch and corn maze. Picture a Rockwell moment if you will, only it’s fall not Christmas.

Please please please oh weather people make it Fall time already.

 

It’s Labor Day weekend and I feel empty.

Normally the Holiday weekends have some meaning to me. I have a nice dinner planned, or an activity I want to go to. I am not depressed, angry, I am empty.

We all have issues in our lives, some more than others, but nonetheless we have them. Medical issues, financial issues, relationship issues, family issues and then let’s not talk about the situation our country is in.

I have a friend, well I think of her as a friend, Sandi at www.habitat4insanity.com I don’t know if you can see her posts because they are passworded (rightfully so), however, she is full to the brim with the reality of life and I think about her situation all the time.

I can’t seem to get anything accomplished because I worry about this friend whom I have never met in person, but has an impact on me.

Empty describes how I feel in my life because I can’t fill myself up with anything good these days, and I just wonder is this the new world, is this how it’s going to be?

So in the spirit of Labor Day’s, I will labor long and hard worrying about someone else’s life that I have no control over or solution for, just so I can fill up an space to muster through…